Eventually I’ll revise for the Starting Over page, but until then, here’s the original second chapter 🙂
7th June, 2014, 01:19 – reflections from grad school
Location: NYC – Mood: nostalgic – Music: Bad Girls by M.I.A.
Someone asked me today about my most memorable client during this past year of grad school. I dunno how I managed to keep a straight face as I stammered through some pathetic answer while secretly thinking of my actual most memorable client…
The actual client’s name… well, let’s call him Robert. He’s in his mid-20s and was trying to work on a few different issues, but one of the things we discussed most was his romantic partnership. He and his (very-serious) girlfriend had been on an emotional roller coaster for a few months before our first session, and he genuinely cared about her but wasn’t sure if the relationship could survive her risky behaviors and lack of drive/motivation. He admitted that he had the tendency to react too emotionally (angrily) without taking time to calm himself first, and it usually ended in screaming matches.
My opinion was that both of them were reacting out of fear. Robert’s childhood was full of his parents tolerating shit from each other (I really sound like a psychoanalyst now haha), so he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do the same with his life partner. To top it off, he’d already been badly hurt by his girlfriend once and didn’t want to take the risk of that happening again. Robert’s girlfriend was also afraid of being hurt. It seemed like instead of taking that risk, she preferred to be the one to hurt him by doing exactly what she knew would make him most angry.
It’s kind of fascinating how life really is kind of like the movies sometimes.
I told Robert my thoughts on the situation and encouraged him to talk to his girlfriend about what was going on. His strengths are that he is very honest and assertive, and has great judgment when it comes to making tough calls. But he had yet to try having a calm conversation with her about his concerns.
When I saw him next, he seemed to be in a fairly better mood, and the conversation we had has stayed in my mind ever since.
“I talked to my girlfriend the other day…” he said, looking away from me as if nervous to continue.
“Yeah? How’d that go?”
“Well… It wasn’t what I expected. Not even close.” He paused, trying to find the right words to say. Straightening up in his chair, he leaned in closer to me. “I dunno what you’ll think about this… I don’t even know what I think about it… but she apologized, said she knows that she hasn’t been acting right lately and that she didn’t mean to worry me and all. Then she gave me this look, I dunno, I can’t describe it… She just looked defeated… weak. And that wasn’t like her at all, so I asked ‘What are you thinking?’ And she really blushed.” He smiled, looking off to the side as if he was watching it play over in his mind.
“She blushed and said she had something weird to tell me, that she’s into this kinky stuff, like 50 Shades of Grey or whatever. And I was like ‘what?? I don’t even know what you mean by that.’ And she was trying to hide her face from me, but then I felt myself getting impatient because she just wouldn’t spit it out. So I took her wrists and pulled her hands away, looked into her eyes and told her to tell me… just like you taught me: ‘no judgments’… So she said that she has this ‘thing’ where she thinks she needs to be punished. And I still didn’t get it… I mean, it’s not every day that your girlfriend tells you the reason she’s been acting like a bitch lately is because she didn’t know how to tell you that she likes to be… smacked around a little?”
I think by this time I was probably blushing a little, trying to sift through my head and figure out if we’d talked about this stuff at all during school. What did the psychology community think about this? Was it something to advocate or advise against? Well, I’m not that judgmental and had told him not to judge, and I’m pretty good at improv, so I just went with it. “Fair enough,” I said, wanting to clarify. “So she told you that she wants to be punished? Like physically beaten? Or…?”
“Well, we talked about it for a while but I dunno if I fully get it, ya know? It’s like, she wants to change, she wants to take better care of herself and become more responsible, but she can’t figure out how to motivate herself, so wants me to help her. Does that make sense?”
Did it make sense? Sure? I guess? “How would you motivate her? How would you help her?”
“She said that she wants me to spank her.”
I almost choked on the water that I’d been drinking. “What? Really? That is very 50 Shades of Grey…” Not that I’ve read the book, but clearly Robert’s girlfriend had. I remembered having seen an article about the psychological reasons that the book is so popular… why hadn’t I read it?? Dammit…
“Right? But okay, so I’m trying not to judge her… but do you think that could really work? Could me spanking her actually motivate her?”
I thought about it for a moment then said, “I suppose it could… what do you think?”
“I’m a little skeptical… I mean, I don’t want to be a wife beater, but I dunno… I guess this is different from abuse… but is it?”
Did I mention that I was kind of sexually attracted to Robert? I know, awkward, especially because at this moment I started thinking about what it’d be like to be his girlfriend… to have Robert yelling at me, telling me how disappointed he is in my behavior and that he was going to give me a good spanking. And it occurred to me during this (inappropriate) fantasy that it wasn’t fear or lack of control I felt at the idea of being spanked, it was curiosity, excitement, adventure… Then I realized in real life he was staring at me, waiting for me to answer his question about abuse. “Oh, um, I have no idea… BDSM is a common practice, I guess…”
“But BDSM, isn’t that like sex? She wants this without sex. She says that it has nothing to do with sex. But then if it’s not sexual, then it’s like I’m treating her like she’s a kid, and I don’t want to be that guy…”
I forced myself to get out of my fucked up dream world and attempted professionalism. “But aside from the moral part of it, how does it make you feel to be the person always having to enforce discipline for her to take care of herself?”
He shrugged. “I guess it’s better than her not taking care of herself, right? But that’s if we’re assuming that it works?”
“You never know… what do you think about having a trial period? Maybe outline the goals and re-evaluate in 3 months?”
He nodded slowly, looking off to the side as if imagining what this all meant. “Hmmm… I like that idea.” Then agreed to work on this with his girlfriend, and we moved on to another topic.
Robert was memorable because of the feelings that he evoked within me. He made me curious, excited, slightly unethical. He pushed the boundaries of what I thought was acceptable, and made me challenge my beliefs.
Is it possible for spanko discipline relationships to actually work? My life’s calling.
Could I be a spanko therapist? Would that even be a thing? Things I need to ponder. One day I’ll do my own research. One day.
15th November, 2014, 01:41 – the story of meeting Adam
Location: NYC – Mood: ouch! – Music: Go Hard (La.La.La) by Kreayshawn
It started with an awkward message through one of those kinky websites:
hi, I’m molly, a 24 year old student at NYU. you’re the first person I’ve messaged on this site, but it looks like you’re the type of person I’m looking for. I’m not sure what else to say…
His response was much less awkward as he introduced himself, a 35 year old who works in journalism and has been assisting in the discipline of young women since he was my age. Our conversations eventually went to gchat, and later to text messages, until we finally decided to meet in real life.
I was so nervous leading up to our meeting. Mostly because I knew that I was going to get a real spanking. It’d been a while since I’d gotten a proper punishment… and I’ve been getting myself into a lot of trouble lately… My procrastination has been getting out of hand, and I’ve started stealing my roommate’s Adderall to pull all-nighters to finish my thesis. Who does that?! Especially someone who wants to be a psychologist. What the hell is wrong with me?
But Adam understood. Adam knew exactly what I needed, and promised to administer it.
We met one evening last week at a quiet restaurant in Chelsea. I’d been surprised at how easy he was to talk to. He was genuinely interested in me and my studies but balanced it with telling me about his own career and aspirations. He allowed me to psychoanalyze him and in return he psychoanalyzed me, coming to the conclusion that I was much overdue for a spanking.
“Are you sure about that?” I asked, tensing up.
He leaned in and I felt his hot breath against my ear as he said in a low voice, “I’m sure that your behavior will improve tremendously after the blistering I’m going to give you.”
I gulped, feeling myself start to sweat.
Adam smirked and finished his drink while I squirmed in my seat. I didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t matter. No more words were necessary.
Adam escorted me out of the restaurant and we took a cab to his apartment, a luxury penthouse with an amazing view of Manhattan. Butterflies fluttered in my tummy as I realized what I had gotten myself into, and I started to panic. “Um, Adam,” I said in a hoarse voice. “I don’t know if I’m ready to be spanked yet…”
He gave me a look as if trying to find out if I was being honest or just avoiding the punishment. I guess he decided to take my word for it as he offered to delay it a week, and to just spend the evening getting to know each other. He then poured me a glass of wine and turned on soft indie music. And we talked all night… about everything! And somehow I ended up falling asleep snuggled up next to him.
It felt good to wake up the next morning and know that I didn’t have to do the walk of shame. All of my dignity was intact and Adam had turned out to be a good guy. “Good morning, sunshine,” I heard, then looked over to see him standing in the doorway. “I made breakfast– but we only have a few minutes… I’ve got to get back to Connecticut.”
Oh… I didn’t mention, Adam has a wife and kids, so usually spends the weekends with them in the suburbs.
“What time is it?”
“Fuck!” I shouted, throwing the blankets off of me and sitting up so quickly that I got a head rush. “I forgot I have to work. I have clients on Saturdays!” I was supposed to be in the office by 9, which was definitely not going to happen, so I made a few phone calls to rearrange my schedule and fortunately no one was too annoyed. Except Adam, who scolded me lightly as we ate, and then drove me home to change, then to my office (I was so thankful to not have to deal with public transit or paying for a cab!).
“See you next week,” he said as we pulled up to the office. “And be prepared for your spanking.”
I blushed but gave him a kiss on the cheek and headed out. Then spent the week obsessing over what was going to happen when we met again.
Well, today was that day. I went directly to his apartment this time, where he made dinner and we watched a movie– something scandalous and sexy, just enough to get in the mood. As the ending credits filled the screen, Adam turned it off and looked at me seriously.
“Molly, it’s time to have our talk.”
The change in tone sent a chill down my spine. “Adam… we’ve been having so much fun… why ruin it now?”
“We’ve delayed this long enough. We’ve discussed some of the inappropriate behavior you’ve displayed over the last few months. Care to review?”
“No, it’s okay.”
He paused, looking at me in the eyes, trying to get inside my head, trying to figure out what to say that would produce the most butterflies in my tummy. “Stand up.”
I hadn’t quite expected him to say that but obeyed anyway. He pulled me towards him by my belt loop, then unbuttoned and unzipped my pants, sliding them and my panties to the floor, leaving me standing in front of him, completely bare from the waist down. I blushed so hard that my face was probably the same color as my hair. When I tried to cover myself, he ordered me to put my hands on my head and confess to him all that I had done wrong.
“Really, Adam?” I asked, biting my lower lip.
“Yes, really,” he answered matter-of-factly.
I looked away, starting to list off my misdeeds. Meanwhile, Adam stood and paced behind me, causing my heart to race and knees to shake in nervousness. Any minute now he could swat my bare bottom, and I couldn’t protect myself at all.
After naming my crimes, Adam didn’t seem satisfied. “Are you sure you’re not forgetting something?” he asked, now towering over me and looking deep into my eyes.
“Uhmmmm…” I racked my brain for anything else I could have been in trouble for, but had no luck. Forgetting about work the previous week didn’t even cross my mind… but Adam hadn’t forgotten.
Once we established that I should also be spanked for that, Adam sat down on the couch and ordered me over his lap. I wasn’t too good with taking orders, so I received three hard swats on the thighs to get me moving.
“Adam…” I gulped as I eased over his lap, gripping the couch cushion and looking back at him. “Come on, please don’t go too hard on me…”
He had the nerve to laugh. “After all of the things you’ve gotten away with these last few months? I don’t think so. You’re going to get exactly what you deserve young lady.”
I decided to try one last time with my adorable puppy face, but instead of paying attention to me, Adam landed a sharp smack to my bottom, taking me slightly by surprise. So my sad face was interrupted by my ouch! face.
“Don’t think I’m going to let you off that easy.” He delivered another swat, and another, gaining a rhythm. His swats were slow and steady, but heavy. Each SMACK to my bare skin echoed through the apartment, and I started to feel the fire light up on my backside. I couldn’t remember ever having been spanked so hard… after only a few swats, I was squirming and kicking, trying my hardest to keep at least an ounce of pride, but knowing that it wouldn’t take long for me to give up.
“Adammmm… I think, OW, that’s e-enough!” I whined.
He stopped for a second and grabbed my ponytail, forcing me to look him in the eyes. “I will decide when you’ve had enough, Molly, do you understand?”
I gulped, noticing that he wasn’t looking at me with the same cheerful and loving eyes. Now he was all serious and angry, and not having any of my bullshit.
“Okay, yes, I understand,” I said in almost a whisper.
He let go of my hair and resumed the spanking, a little harder now, and more focused on my sit spots. I felt like the spanking went on foreverrrrrrr, and he just kept spanking, slow, steady and heavy…
He stopped suddenly, grabbed my ear and helped me off of his lap. “Go in the bathroom, in the top drawer there is a wooden hairbrush. Bring it to me.”
Ugh! Did he not realize how much I hated being ordered around?! I reached for my pants, but he stopped me.
“Take those off,” he ordered.
“Why are you so bossy?” I demanded to know.
Adam raised his eyebrows and before I knew it, he had a hold on my wrist and was pulling me back over his lap.
“Wait…! I didn’t mean that…”
It was too late, though. Now the swats weren’t slow and steady, but instead quick and stingy – focused on the sit spots and thighs and really painful!
“Ow ow ow ow ow!!”
“Are you going to obey?” he asked firmly.
“Yes, fine, I will!”
He didn’t like my tone and kept spanking, this time a little harder.
“I mean, yes Sir I’m ready to obey!” I shrieked, kicking my feet.
He gave me a final two swats and stopped, leaning back so that I could get up and fetch his stupid wooden hairbrush. So I did just that… I kicked my jeans off and scampered towards the bathroom, glancing at my red bottom as I looked for the hairbrush. Ouch… it was so red and puffy. I couldn’t help but try to rub the sting out a bit.
I finally found the brush and held it in my hands. I don’t know much about wood, but the handle was smooth and heavy. It was going to come down pretty hard against my bottom. Oh man, I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. I took one last look at my aching backside and heard Adam becoming impatient, so ran back to the sofa.
He took the brush from my hands and used it to point at me as he lectured: “You’re old enough now to know better than to act the way you’ve been acting lately. Following today, you will send me a daily report of your behavior, and I will punish you as necessary. You will no longer steal your roommate’s drugs because you will no longer wait until the last minute to do your research. And you’ll be more responsible at work. Am I clear?”
My stomach dropped but I nodded, unable to take my eyes off the hairbrush. I suddenly felt his grip on my arm, and then I lost my balance, practically falling back into position. Everything was happening in slow motion, and I finally started to feel my emotions again. I finally felt real tears in the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill at any moment.
“I’m going to spank you with the hairbrush for 2 minutes without stopping. And I want you to remember this the next time you think about getting into trouble.”
I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hands, telling myself to stay calm and carry on. Then I felt the first blow and cried out in pain. I hadn’t expected it to hurt THAT much!!
“Ouch!! Adam!” I shrieked, receiving another and another. Omg it was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced… a flurry of firecrackers on my bottom… it felt like it was never going to end! I was kicking and squirming and there was no way that I could keep myself from reaching back. Adam must have been expecting it, though, because he caught my wrist and pinned it against my lower back.
“We’re halfway finished with the hairbrushing,” he said in a voice that was a mixture of cruel and kind.
“Oh, noooo!” I cried. “No more!”
He kept hammering down the hairbrush, determined to make the experience memorable. And by this time I was bawling. It was kind of ridiculous… tears were flowing freely now, I wasn’t even worried about trying to keep my cool.
“Please Adam! Please… I’m sorry…”
He gave only a few more swats before dropping the brush and loosening his grip on me. Oh man, I was so relieved that I just cried more. He rested a hand on my burning left thigh, rubbing up and down to ease some of the sting. We stayed like that a few minutes so I could regain my composure, at which point I looked back at him.
“You okay?” he asked. “Was that what you were looking for?”
I was confused that he asked me that now, after already giving me a much harder punishment than I’d expected. But I nodded… “I think so. I think I’m going to behave a little better now.”
I could still feel his fingertips brushing against my hot bottom, and later begin exploring other areas. So needless to say… the experience was everything I’d wanted and more. I’m pretty sure I’ll be seeing Adam again sometime soon…
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